The Best Years of Your Life, DAMNIT!

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.”

- Jack Handey

One of the eternal struggles (ok, 10-year struggles at most) of a twenty-something is knowing how to “take advantage” of this time.  We get so much advice from wistful grown-up-folk about what they “would have done differently” if they were starting out all over again.  That they would have traveled, taken more time for themselves before settling down, taken more risks…etc.

I can remember my senior year of high school hearing over and over again things like “oh my gosh, college will be the best four years of your life” or “If I could go back and do it all over again, I would!  It doesn’t get better than this”.  I couldn’t figure out why, but I HATED when people said that to me.  It didn’t make me excited, it was terrifying.  Graduation parties were the worst.  Every grown-up would ask you about your plans, where you’re going, what you’re majoring in and then follow with “Oh, Drew… enjoy it… they’ll be” I KNOW! THE BEST MOTHER-EFFING FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE! 

Now, for some people, I think they truly are wonderful years.  Maybe the best of their lives.  But I was trying so hard to make them the best years, I honestly can’t tell you how I felt feel about them.  They were good.  I met great people, made decisions good and bad, and got two degrees.  The best four years of my life?  God, I don’t know.  That’s a lot of pressure.

A psychoanalyst named Karen Horney (yeah, her last name’s Horney.  It’s funny) called this the “tyranny of the should”.  I feel confused and lonely…but these should be the best years of my life.  I just went through _____.  I should feel wonderful but I don’t.  No amount of thinking about what should be is going to make it true.  We won’t ever be at peace with what is if we constantly focus on what should be.  Here’s an excerpt from The Defining Decade that touches on just this:

“Aren’t I supposed to be traveling in France or something right now, like for three years?” [Talia] asked

. . . With her tailored shirt and tiny handbag, Talia didn’t look like she would enjoy traveling for three years.
“Is going to France for three years what you want to be doing?” I asked.
“No,” she sniffled, “but shouldn’t I be having my own Eat, Pray, Love?”
. . . “Why are you asking about this now? Would you like to take a vacation in France?”
Talia broke into deeper sobs. “No, the truth is… I just want to go home.”
“Oh. Then let’s talk about that.”
When I asked about the “just” in “just go home,” Talia said she felt like going home would be “giving up” or “taking the easy way out.” The friends she’d made could not understand why she would want to leave the Bay Area and go back to Tennessee. Her father, someone whose own travels had defined who he was, said this was her chance for adventure. Whenever she hinted she wanted to move home, he would say, “Why would you want to do that?”

. . . This time we talked about what was real, not in terms of unemployment rates and starter jobs, but in terms of what was authentic for Talia.

. . . I told her that an adult life is built not out of eating, praying, and loving but out of person, place, and thing: who we are with, where we live, and what we do for a living. We start our lives with whichever of these we know something about.
Talia was enjoying her rising career in marketing, and now she had a clear vision about her place. This was encouraging.

. . . Talia started to wonder if going back to Nashville was taking the easy way out or if, at this point, she was doing it the hard way. “Why am I going broke living here? Why am I trying to meet someone so far away from where I want to be?” she asked.
“Good questions.”

Excerpt From: Jay, Meg. “The Defining Decade.” Grand Central Publishing, 2012-04-17.
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For me, that pressure didn’t go away after college.  It did morph into something a little different… it’s real sneaky-like that way.  But every time I come to a crossroads, I find myself desperately reaching out for approval and I realize that pressure hasn’t gone anywhere –it probably just shops at Ann Taylor Loft now instead of Forever 21 (but only because their low-rise jeans don’t cover its butt crack anymore or it would still shop there.  Wait, are we still talking about pressure?)  It’s been on my mind a lot as I try to navigate my current situation and here’s what I’ve found:

When in doubt, I choose “hard” because people like people who do hard things.  I like them too.  I want to be one of them.  So when I was facing what college to transfer to (Oklahoma City or Penn State) ... I went with my “gut” (read: what I felt I should do - since I didn’t know what I wanted to do): Penn State.  I knew I would get a degree from either, but people would be proud if I was able to move across the country, join a program in a school that none of us had ever been to, and thrive.  When it came time to decide where to move after college, my options were limitless.  I didn’t have a job yet, so I could go anywhere. Move home? Meh…. No one will be excited about that. How about NEW YORK CITY? Yes!  That’ll make ‘em proud!  There were of course other factors that went into these decisions, and I’m so happy for both of them, but approval was a big motivator.  The harder it is, the more they’ll say to their grown-up friends that I’m “making the best” of my time.  I wanted them to say “Wow!  I wish I had had the nerve to do that in my twenties.”  I wanted them to believe I was smart and independent.  That I was “wise beyond my years”. 

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’m a bit older now, that my current decisions affect more than just me, or if it’s just a phase (I hope not), but I’ve been working hard to eliminate external pressures. To not factor outside “approval” into my decision-making process.  I’ve been trying to make decisions all by my big-girl self.  What have I found?  No concrete answers.  Not one (yet).  BUT - I feel smarter and and more independent than I ever have before.  I don’t know if my decisions are right or wrong but I MADE THEM!  I made them, ya’ll! All by myself.   And I’m still alive, and they still give me a paycheck at work, and my family and friends still like me.  In fact, I don’t even think they care that much about what I decided.  It’s big.

I’m hoping this gets easier and easier as we get older.  I still value the opinions of those who are close to me, and I think there is a lot of value in the fact that they are older, more objective, have more experience, etc.  But ultimately, it feels really good to have ownership over your decisions (since you are the one who has to live with them after all). I don’t know where the line is yet, but at least I figured out that there IS a line!  Trying to put my finger on it…

I’ll keep ya posted –

-d

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”

-Albert Ellis