The week before last, I was just trying to 'hold it together'. To get up, put some clothes on that were clean (let's be real. Clothes on that were at least clean (Fabrezed) enough that Kevin at the desk behind me couldn't smell them...), go to work, come home, crawl under the covers. Last week I said EFF THAT! I'm going to choose joy. And I did. And sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but my clothes were clean (most of the time. jeans don't count). Now I'm somewhere in the middle and I can't seem to shake it. I just feel defeated. Not empty, but far away from full. The uncertainty is so uncomfortable. It's like I have a leak and I'm desperately pouring things in, no matter what it is, no time to think, just pour it in and hope that you gain some headway - but as fast as I can pour it in, it runs out. I can't fill it up and definitely don't have enough to give to others, and that hurts their feelings - and mine. And all I can do is look at them with a "please forgive me, I'm too tired" face and hope that they come again soon.
I haven't had many hardships in my life. Nothing extremely tragic - none of those moments that completely rock your world and change who you are or who you become. But my family members, immediate and extended, have. They've been through some things that I can't imagine going through. And as a whole, they're (we're) a choose joy kind of crew. Sometimes to the extreme. Sometimes we're going to choose to pretend we're not sad. This made me mad growing up, because I didn't understand it. I had a little bit of trouble "reining it in" - whatever the emotion. I woke up every day threatening to burst at the seams - with joy, excitement, frustration.... If I felt a spontaneous surge of joy, I couldn't help busting out my best high-A in my fullest soprano. And when I was mad that I wasn't allowed to sleep on the couch on a school night, I couldn't help sleeping in my sleeping bag curled around the foot of the couch just to say "See Mom and Dad! Look what you made me do!". I was always a little "much". I still feel like a bit "much" sometimes. Especially in a family that has grown such thick skin, I often find myself wondering why I feel so much.
I think my immediate family had to learn this lesson together. A couple of years ago. We went through a time when we are feeling a lot, especially one of us (who always seemed to me to be able to choose whatever feeling or non-feeling they wanted - to my envy). When they told us they were feeling bad, we all took a second to say "Maybe this time we don't all go to separate staircases to find our happy face. Maybe we just feel." Mom and Drew felt together, because that's how we like it, and Dad and Stacy went to their "caves" to feel, because that's how they like it. Ever since then, I've felt like I had a safety net. I've always had a safety net in my family, I'm very lucky. But since then, I've had a safety net under my safety net. My Dad called last night check in and just hearing his voice, I burst into tears. And it was OK. I answered the phone and he said "Hey! How ya doin today?" and I thought "ahhh I can just feel and it's OK."
I know there's a balance. I also know I don't know what the balance is. I think that I think that I'm ok with that for now. For now I'm just grateful for family and close friends who let you just be sad. They know I don't want to be sad. They know I'm going to do whatever I can to keep going and fill back up. They're not worried about that. I love them so much. So much that when I hear their voice I cry! (See what I mean about reining it in?) I don't know what I'd do without them, and I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying to return the favor. If I have a daughter or a son, I want to be that for them. A safe place.
I'm going to keep choosing joy, because I know in my heart of hearts that it's the right thing to do. But just knowing that these couple of family members and friends are around, knowing how I feel, and not thinking I'm "too much" makes me feel fuller already. (Or maybe it's this third cup of coffee I'm drinking).
love love love LOVE you. I'm gonna keep on goin'.
I'll keep ya posted.
- d
(http://www.peacelovefree.com)
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