Sanskara

Although I didn’t feel particularly “balanced” this morning, I was (and am) feeling good.

It was one of those mornings where I woke up confused about where I was, what time it was, and if I had just been dreaming or if my guinea pig really had just been stolen out of my carry-on bag on our flight to Columbia.  Since I know your comments are about to flood in with concern – no, she was not stolen.  She was in her cage.  Just out of water.

The weather here in NYC has been crazy gross, so I threw on some yellow rain boots (that always look ridiculous), a leather jacket (which is never the best option for rain/snow but I spilled bronzer on my white wool coat) and braved the commute to work.  It just felt like kind of a “messy” morning. You know the ones. So I spent the first 20 minutes of work trying to go from craze-o to professional advertising exec.  Here’s me in the midst of making the transition:

As I drank my coffee, I clicked on an article on yogajournal.com to try and “center my thoughts” while I ate my granola and snuggled up in my sweater made of wheat grass (just kidding, I was just on Yoga Journal…wearing a shirt from H&M).  The story was about a man who used yoga practice as a way to fight (doesn’t seem like the correct term when talking about yoga, but whatever) his depression.  He talks about a Sanskrit word that yogis use: samskara or sanskara.  In YogaSutras it is defined as “negative sense impressions that cause suffering”.  The idea is that there are moments and events in our life that leave an imprint on our subconscious minds.  The concept sparked my interest, so I did a little bit of should-be-working-but-whatever digging.  Literal translations of sanskara include “impression”, “coming together”, or “seed”.  This makes sense because part of the overall concept is that these sanskara or mind imprints not only affect but direct your decisions, wants and experiences.  Overall, there is a negative connotation.  These events that leave an imprint are specifically negative events.  But how interesting that the literal translation for these negative imprints would be seed.  Those Egyptians (Indians? Babalonians? Who the hell spoke Sanskrit?) were on to something.  Every time one of these negative events happens in our lives, a seed is planted.  We can choose how to cultivate it.  Some people say they don’t make a choice: “what will be will be”.  But choosing to not make a choice, is still a choice.  This seed will turn into something and I think we have a lot of say in what it will be.

The thing I love most about this idea is that it’s not actually about the bad thing, it’s about what the bad thing causes – what it becomes.  It’s never about the seed (unless you’re one of those people who has recently gotten into adding Chia seeds to all your food in which case we can’t be friends) it’s about the tree, flower, fruit that seed becomes.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not trying to be some Pollyanna – the bad thing is shitty.  It’s not pretty or flowery and it doesn’t taste like berries… but I would argue that it’s nutritional (considering most nutritional stuff sucks).  The result of it has the potential to be beautiful… if we recognize and cultivate it.  And we might as well do just that, because the seed is planted whether we like it or not.  The bad thing will happen and make an impression on us, and there’s nothing we can do about it.  The good news is, the bad thing is not the end or even the point of the story – it’s about the potential.  The seed – the sanskara.

I broke up with someone recently.  Said it.  And it’s a bad thing because it’s a really hard thing.  And to be honest, I have no idea where it will go.  I have absolutely no idea what it will lead to, where I will end up or how I will get there, but it’s my seed.  No matter what ends up happening, something beautiful will come of it because I want something beautiful to come of it.  Already, I’ve made countless positive changes in my life, thought about things I would have never thought of otherwise, and continue to be so grateful for the time we had together.  Whether it’s to cheer myself, to design what I want my life to look like, or just to fill time trying to stay busy, most of my resent decisions have revolved around that seed.  And they’ve been good decisions.  Already it is turning into something beautiful.

I’m going to do all I can to remind myself that it’s not about the bad stuff.  The bad thing is a big deal, but only because it grows into a big deal – and that’s the part we have control over.  I’m going to try not to forget that.

I’ll keep ya posted,

-d