Grace In Your Heart and Flowers In Your Hair

This is for a special friend of mine who just made a big decision and is going through a really scary (= brave) change.  I was waiting on the subway platform last night thinking about you and how scary this is ( = brave you are) and how much I look up to you.  If I could sit and drink a beer with you tonight, this is what I would say.

I'm not going to pretend to know enough about the world to tell you what's "ok" and what's not, but I will tell you what is ok with me. If you decide this is what's best for you but that it's really hard, I will talk about the hard stuff as much as you want and that would be ok. If you decide you want to go back and try something else, I think that would be totally ok.  It’s ok with me that you’re scared.  Scared isn’t weak, scared is so strong.  If you didn’t do anything that made you scared, that might be weakness.  You’re putting yourself in a scary situation where you have to be brave to move forward and that’s big strength.  If this ends up being the best decision of your life and you fall in love and then become the first female president, I’d be ok with that too.  But not any more ok than any of the other options.

I know you’re struggling.  For now, do what makes you feel a little better.  I've found that in hard times, inspiration comes in tiny powerful bursts.  Things that inspire you feel really inspiring because you're feeling a lot, but they also burn out quickly. Don't be discouraged. It doesn't mean you can't be inspired, it just means you have to seek out more of those little firecrackers. It's a good thing because it'll give you a mission in the meantime and I for one always feel better when I have a mission. Seek them out. Those tiny things that inspire you. Don't worry about making it a great day or having the time of your life because that's a lot, and you'll miss the little firecrackers. You'll get to that, because I know that's what you want for yourself. I think that's your default. I know you and you wouldn't settle for anything less than that so don't worry about that now. You'll take yourself there naturally whether you know it or not.  Just one little firecracker at a time for now.

You're so brave. Unless you've been Jedi mind-tricking me all along, you're one of the bravest people I know. The thing I know that I know is that you care more about the reasons behind your decisions than most half-grown-ups our age, so I'm not worried about the decisions you make.  I don't think you'rev worried about that either.  Just get up, maybe sing a song in the shower, then do the thing you're supposed to do that day. If you want to watch reruns of The West Wing and eat Cheetos after work, then do that. That's it. Don't worry about making it a great day, making them proud or having enviable status updates on Facebook. Just do what makes you feel good. You can lean on people, they won't mind. The thing about time is that it takes a lot of time.

So many people love you including me and you're going to be great. But for now, just shoot for being good.  And when you’re not, ask someone to help you get there. It’s ok.

Another friend sent me this song when I was struggling and I think it’s beautiful.  Maybe you will too.

All all all my love.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Or God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Girls #FunnyNotFunny

I started a book club.  Sort of because I love reading but mostly because I needed something to look forward to on Monday nights since The Bachelor ended.  May seem like an unnatural transition going from a slutty 2 hours of people making out in hot tubs to 2 hours of discussing literature with your peers, but it’s somehow felt like a very logical transition for this group.  Our first meeting was last night.  There are about ten girls who have committed, and we were all sending excited emails back and forth about how pumped we were for our first real meeting.  Then, about 5:15, the other emails started rolling in: “I have to bail… I’m covering that story about the DA who was shot today…”  and “May be late, may not make it.  Waiting on the producer to approve this New York Times ad…”.  I spent about 30 seconds feeling cool because my friends sounded important, then moved on to deciding whether or not to cancel.  We ended up cancelling “official book club” for the night, and just getting together at whatever time anyone was available to eat pizza and hummus (weird?), drink wine, and talk – and it was awesome.

We talked about work, friends and boys, but we landed on a topic that stayed with me even after they left.  It had to do with the show Girls.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s based around four girls, all in their 20’s, sorta almost getting it together in Brooklyn, NY.  It’s very funny and sometimes sad and pretty-all-the-time honest.  We suddenly all had a lot to say about the show.  A couple people really felt for the girls who couldn’t seem to get their careers together, or couldn’t find the discipline to motivate themselves. Some of us felt for the girl who was insecure about her love life, her weight or her parents.  But ALL of us felt for them.  We talked about the various controversies that the show has inspired (not racially diverse enough, the lead isn’t pretty enough, it isn’t true to life, it’s too true to life…) and then one of my friends said “You know, the show is technically a comedy…”.  Her point was not that show isn’t funny – it’s really funny.  The main character is a self-absorbed, poor, insecure but overconfident shit show. But it’s pretty true.  Which is kind of not funny.  We 20-somethings hear all the time that we’re at a “selfish” point in our lives, which I totally agree with.  It’s not that I don’t think about other people or care about other people… but I’m really focused on myself.  I don’t have anyone else to be responsible for right now (except my guinea pig) and it seems to require ALL of my focus just to get ME through the day.  It takes everything I have to budget enough money to pay rent, to make sure I’m wearing jeans without holes in them, to try and maintain a rat-free apartment, to be in a healthy relationships and friendships.  These are all literally issues I’ve dealt with in the last 2 weeks alone and every one of them felt semi-world-ending.  Which is why it feels like every episode of Girls should end with the hash tag #FunnyNotFunny.

We have to laugh, because as soon as it’s not funny, no one wants to watch it.  Not because it stops being entertaining, but because it starts feeling sad.  And embarrassing.  Not for the characters- for us.

In one episode last season, the main character Hannah (Lena Dunham) crosses paths with this hot middle-aged man who lives near the coffee shop where she works.  She wanders into his brownstone one afternoon talking about weird things like using his trash cans to avoid getting in trouble and drinking lemonade with this super ill-fitting romper on while she sits on his Cloroxed kitchen counter.  They end up doing it – like a bunch of times – and playing naked ping-pong.  It’s weird and confusing and probably one of those “really good stories” for both of them.  Then, as she’s about to leave a couple days later, she asks him to ask her to stay.  She wasn’t going to, but she does – she asks him to beg her to stay, so that she could have had a time where someone begged her to stay.  So he does, half-heartedly.  And she stays.  And she talks – about everything.  About what a mess her life is, and how she sometimes (often) doesn’t feel pretty and how anxious she is about how “things will turn out” and all of a sudden, he doesn’t think it’s funny anymore.  And every girl who’s ever opened up just to have someone shut down got it.

We all do it.  Vulnerability is a sticky thing and people have really strong reactions to it.  We want people to open up to us, but it’s really uncomfortable to watch someone be vulnerable.  I experience it most when I’m dating someone.  I ask them to open up and be honest with me, but I also expect them to man up and have their shit together.  I don’t want to hear that they’re “too scared” to apply for a job or “overwhelmed” at the prospect of how their life will turn out.  I want to say “grow a pair and send your DAMN RESUME!”.  Which is a sure way to shut them down.  I think everyone’s guilty of it.  And yet we keep pushing to be vulnerable ourselves, because that’s the only way we get anywhere, the only way we make meaningful connections.  But there’s always the risk of it ‘not being funny anymore’ and getting a big ‘ol wall put up in your face.

Every girl last night got it.  They totally got it.  And even though most of them didn’t know each other before they came over, every single person gave each other a hug before they left.  We didn’t solve anything, or even say anything new.  We just all realized that everyone else “got” a hard thing and then we were friends.  It was cool.

We’re currently in the process of re-scheduling actual book club,  I’ll keep ya posted.

- d

Brooke, My Best Friend

Today’s a tough one.  An empty one. Work has been slow, which I think makes it harder.

Whenever I feel especially empty, and I don’t know what to do with myself, and going home to eat Cheetos, watch Parenthood and cry sounds perfect but vaguely unhealthy – I lean on Brooke.  She’s my very best friend in the whole wide world.  We met in Kindergarten.  I was best friends with Erica Thomas and I now know that Brooke was jealous and not a fan, but she didn’t show it at the time.  She just patiently waited for me to figure out that Erica was maybe not the best and then was right there when I figured out that Brooke was, in fact, the best.  She was already classy when the rest of us were still just trying to walk out of the bathroom without our dresses tucked into our panties.  

One time in Kindergarten I was coloring in Mrs. Hailey’s class and my finger got stuck.  I know now that my fingers are double jointed and it was a cool trick, but at the time I thought it was broken and frozen like that forever and I started crying.  Brooke smiled even though I could tell she was scared and bent my finger for me so it went back to normal.  We both laughed even though I know we were thinking “what the hell did your finger just do don’t tell your mom and I hope that never happens again. Alien.”  But she didn’t say any of that.  In fourth grade, I liked Taylor Hirst, and one day he got into his mom’s car after school and then got back out just to tell me he thought I was funny.  I ran back inside to tell Brooke that Taylor thought I was funny and she did a little jumping dance with me in the hall outside Mrs. Moon’s room.  In fifth grade Brooke’s neighborhood was re-zoned to a different elementary school and she called my house phone without asking her mom, even though we were supposed to ask before we used the phone, and she told me and we both cried.  Sophomore year, I sneaked into her house while she was still sleeping to surprise her for her birthday and got glitter in her eye, but she wasn’t mad.  She was only sad for just a second.  Then we went to college half a country away from one another but our parents bought us plane tickets to visit each other every semester.  And tonight I’m going to her apartment to sit next to her.  She’s too tired from work and said she has to nap, but I’m always allowed to sit next to her no matter what she’s doing.

She’s irreplaceable.  I don’t think I’ve ever trusted anyone more in my whole life, and I thank Dumbledore for her every single day.

I saw a commercial the other week that reminded me of Brooke and told her about it (There are two little girls and one is black – Brooke is black- and the other is white – even though I’m not blonde I’m pretty sure I had that haircut in Kindergarten.  So yeah, the connection was a little racist, but mostly just awesome).  The other night during The Bachelor, Brooke was making dinner in her kitchen and I yelled “BROOKE IT’S ON! OUR COMMERCIAL!”  She ran in to watch and when it was over, we did a little it’s our commercial we just saw it and it’s us! dance on her couch.  Now whenever it comes on and we’re together, we wait for the two little girls in it to meet each other, and when they do, we do a mini ‘Look we met! We did it! We met!’ celebration and then laugh through all the other commercials.  This is it.  She’s so scared to get on the bus, and I totally know the feeling.  She’s so brave…. it’s precious, so you should see it if you haven’t:

I don’t know how people get through hard times without people like Brooke.  Maybe they’re stronger; maybe they have to be stronger because there’s no one who will let you sit next to them every single day while they carry on with their lives.  Maybe that strength is good for them.  But I don’t care, because I know she’s not going anywhere.  And when the time comes, I’ll carry on with my life and let her sit next to me every single day for weeks.  And she can say the same things over and over again a thousand times, because she needs to.  And she let me do that once, and never said ‘get over it’.  Not once.

Love you Brooke.  And I’m so lucky that you wanted to be my best friend in Kindergarten.  See you tonight.  (You’ll be napping, so I’ll let myself in).

- d

“This is how it works. I love the people in my life, and I do for my friends whatever they need me to do for them, again and again, as many times as is necessary. For example, in your case you always forgot who you are and how much you're loved. So what I do for you as your friend is remind you who you are and tell you how much I love you. And this isn't any kind of burden for me, because I love who you are very much. Every time I remind you, I get to remember with you, which is my pleasure.”
― James Lecesne